I curl up into a corner
pull my knees close
Bury my head
And no one knows
I curl up into a corner
pull my knees close
Bury my head
And no one knows
Slowly, yet surely the raindrops started to form above of the five and as the water in the clouds got heavier the rain started softly drip. As the first drips hit the ground Cassidy carefully lifted her head.
“There was a building not that far from here…” she requested and looked at her brother, Damien who had buried his face into his hands trying to think. His hands dropped and he looked to her sister nodding.
“That is probably the best idea”, he confirmed and before he could open his mouth another time Nathan had opened the car door and walked to get his things from the trunk of the car. The car had seen some better days, which all of them knew while backing. The doors didn’t lock, the radio had a mind of its’ own at times, at least when it came to picking the channel and it wasn’t a surprise the whole thing stopped working. It was about to happen some time. So no one needed to say a thing when it came to backing lightly and carrying their stuff around. At times Veronica tried to shove her bags to Damien or Finn, and this wasn’t an exception.
Finnley rushed to get to the trunk before Cassidy and helped her to lift her bag. He kissed her, and they began to walk in Nathan’s footsteps as the rain got heavier. After them came Veronica, who at this time left her luggage for Damien to take care of. Unlike usually he kept his mouth and took her things, closed the door and walked behind everyone.
Nathan dropped his cigarette and stepped on it before taking a dash to the car. He opened the door and took the front seat place, which had belonged to Veronica. And as soon as Veronica noticed what he was about to do, she ran after him.
“Get out!” she screamed while trying to open the door, just to notice that Nathan had been faster and locked the door. Nathan lifted his hand and showed his middle finger to her.
“Damien”, Veronica turned around and with a demanding tone hissed at Damien, who ordered her to get in the back seat.
“Or else you can stay here”, Damien said and everyone got in the car without having to be told twice. His temper was short, even shorter than usually, so even Veronica wasn’t that sure he wasn’t going to do it. And as the doors were closed, everyone went quiet. Damien sat on the driver’s spot, safety belt clicked and he turned the key to start the car.
The motor coughed at first and then sighed, but they moved nowhere. Smoke started to rise from under the hood of the car, more with every sound the car made. Damien hit the steering wheal and breathed in few times heavily enough to be heard to the back seat. Veronica cursed under her breath while Damien got out of the car.
The internet connection was gone and there were no bars on any of the five’s phones. And to make matters worse storm clouds were gathering around fast. It wouldn’t take long for the rain start pouring.
“So what now?”, Finnley was the first to voice the concern, but nobody answered.
The AC had been cranked up, just like the volume on the radio spitting lyrics and beats inside the car speeding on the dirt road. The music dripped out of the open windows, as the rustle of small rocks flying around accompanied the growling of the motor. He hit every curve and bump as fast as he could, not even considering slowing down. His veins filled with adrenaline and he could hear the second best thing he could imagine: blood rush in his ears, heart beating in his chest. It assured him that he was alive. After all.
He brushed his hair, black as raven’s feathers, away from his eyes and let his foot weigh on the gas as the road got straight. Or at least straighter. Almost everyone else in the car were fast asleep despite the nearly reckless driving of the young lad. Through everything he could almost still hear Damien’s snoring on the backseat. It had been a long night driving for them, so they had agreed to let Nathan take the wheel for a while.
Sweat had formed small droplets like cranberries on his forehead and made his hair stick on his skin. His black t-shirt was glued on his back, but he still wouldn’t loose his leather jacket. He looked to the backseat through the mirror, but quickly turned his head. One of them was still awake, trying desperately read her book. Nathan lifted his foot a little from the gas, but before the car had time to slow down he could hear a voice next to him.
“Slow the fuck down”, Veronica commanded and with an open hand slapped Nathan’s arm. He put the pedal to the medal and looked at the girl next to her smiling a little, saying nothing. With some curse words decorating the sentence Veronica repeated her request, not that it would matter.
“Why? So you can take a new snap?”, Nathan asked nodding towards Veronica’s phone, “No one wants to see that anyway.”
“No! I’m trying to figure out where we are, asshole”, she yelled back over the radio, as the last bar disappeared on her screen, “Damien!”
It took more than just the one scream, but eventually Damien woke up. Grumpy and tired he told Nathan to stop the car, which he actually did without having to be told twice. “I gotta have a smoke”, he explained, so that no one would think that he actually took orders from someone.
The car slowed down and stopped, so everyone got up to walk around for a little. There were trees all around and the nearest town was far behind. There was no signal, and no way to figure out where they were.
Nathan took a cigarette and light it up few feet away from everyone. He watched as Veronica started to really get mad while Damien was trying to guess where they were. The girl from the backseat, Cassidy just stood there, holding her book. Her hair was little messy, and she was still a little sleepy. She probably couldn’t get sleep on the moving car, especially when Nathan was behind the wheel. Nathan breathed the smoke in and closed his eyes. He tried not to stare.
When he opened his eyes a thin figure had moved next to Cassidy and lied a kiss on the top of her head. Finley had woken up too and made his way to Damien and Victoria.
“Hey, idiot! If you care at all, we here are trying to guess where in the world you have driven”, Victoria started yelling at Nathan, “Clean your mess!” Nathan just lifted his shoulders and lifted his pilot styled sunglasses off of his face. Ne knew exactly how to annoy her, and that is what he would do.
“I told you we should have left him home”, Victoria hissed at Damien while walking towards Nathan, making sure he would hear it, “No one even wants you here, not me, not Damien, Finn or Cassidy”
Nathan turned to Victoria and he was boiling on the inside. He squeezed his hands into fists and stared at Victoria who stopped right in front of him.
“Well who wants you here?”, Nathan asked and grinned. Victoria pushed him back and made him drop his cigarette pack.
“I am not gonna hit a girl”, Nathan grunted biting his teeth together.
“Oh really?”, Victoria said tauntingly, lifted her hand and slapped Nathan on the cheek with an open hand. He lifted his hand but before he could do anything he would regret the others had gathered around and Damian stepped between those two.
“Get back in the car, now”, Damien ordered and then looked at Nathan, “I’m driving from now on.”
I sit down on the porch with a glass of white wine, breath in the fresh sea-air, close my eyes and stay completely still. I never stop. No matter how hard I have tried my whole life, I just can’t stay still. We are always going somewhere.
We grow old, that has always been hard for me to accept. It never stops, and the world gets older with us. Everyone and everything ages and dies. Letting go of the ones that have passed never gets easier. I’m not sure if we ever let go. And at the same time we should “act our age”. What ever it means in that specific time in our lives. We graduate. Or we don’t. No matter what the world rolls. There is never a good time to do anything and many reasons to not do anything.
I have always clanged on to the past, and the first so called age crisis I had when I was twelve; still not sure if it’s normal. I wanted everything to stay the same, even though my life wasn’t that great back then. Change. That was my worst nightmare. I wasn’t able to plan ahead, not that I’m now. And it still does scare me.
I’m not good at steering. So maybe it is a good thing I still don’t have my drivers licence. My plans have always changed because situations never stick. They are like the waves of the ocean. And there is no way of controlling them. They pass by, sometimes something reminds me of the biggest or smallest that have passed me.
And what I have now learned is that there is no way of earning anything. You can work hard all your life, but never achieve what you wished for. Not that our wishes would always stay the same any way. You could be the kindest person in the town and still on your own your whole life. You could be the best mother but never conceive. And the best ones die young. Life never apologizes for it, but people deal with it in some ways. Someone turns to something bigger, trusts the greater plan and says everything has a reason. Someone doesn’t even think about it. Some of us smother it, concentrate on something else, use drugs or what ever to dull it.
Every summer brings it close
I just can’t silence it
I can’t kill it
It still whispers into my ear
drowns me into what it could have been
I love someone else now
My life is better
yet still like a ghost it follows me
Swallows me in sweet embraces
Sugar filled nothings
I know it isn’t true
Still it haunts me
Not like a bloodhound
More like a cat
Slowly creeps in
Its’ fur is soft
even when it pulls out its’ claws
It plays with me until I’m left on the floor bleeding
At times I enjoy it.
Some nights I don’t
Yet it doesn’t ask me if I like it
Only thing good about first loves is
there can only be one.
The men climbed on their horses and rode out of the town. And so did Lyam and Verrill. The sun was burning their necks as they left to see the damages of the little town, Tarrion. Lyam was still thinking about turning back during every step of the way, as the pictures of the burning town flashed in and out of his mind. He tried to keep his thoughts on something else, but as they got closer there was nothing in the desert to keep his mind elsewhere. Only times he was able to see something other than what had happened on that one night, was when he remembered his home. His birth home. The walls still rose up against the bright blue sky somewhere far from there. They protected the city, it’s people, buildings, palace standing in the middle of it.
Shivers ran down Lyam’s spine as he thought for a moment. Could he just leave? Could he just go back to where he came from? It would be a risk, a gigantic one and if he’d do so there’d be no going back. He couldn’t risk his friends’ lives, so they would have to part ways with Verrill. With Denisa. Even traveling there would have its’ dangers, it just might be he couldn’t even get there. Would it be worth risking everything all over again? Would she…
Would Denisa understand? Or Verrill?
Lyam shook the thought away. It was completely idiotic to even wonder about such. He pet the horses neck as they stopped near the verge of Tarrion. The air smelled like smoke, burnt wood and.. Flesh. It made even Verrill turn pale as the moon had been. Lyam climbed down and tried to keep his chin up, even though Verrill’s frightened look alone made him terrified. The town was empty, quiet and run down.
Everything was completely ruined, some of the houses had collapsed, if they hadn’t burned all the way. There had been people inside at least some of the buildings, which made all the men keep to themselves in a way. No one said a word, or even looked at the others.
The men walked around the town, but there was no sign left of the attackers. Or anyone else for that matter. Verrill had found a few of the townspeople that had survived to the nearest city like Lyam, Verrill and Denisa when Lyam had been trying to get better. No one they knew that well: The daughter of the local blacksmith and some woman who was visiting her brother. The wind felt cold, even as Lyam knew that it wasn’t. Suddenly he just was freezing, most likely due to the shock. There was nothing they could do. Nothing or no one to save.
Lyam walked outside of the town for sometime until he came across a place he knew in his heart he might never see again. There was a stone plaque lied down on the ground, where Verrill was already standing. Lyam stopped for a moment and watched as the young man crouched down and put his hand over the plaque stroking its’ warmed up surface. As he got up Lyam approached, put his hand on the shoulder of his friend and watched the grave of Verrill’s mother and father. In the reality they weren’t there, they’d been buried somewhere further but the plaque was there, near home. The ground just was too dry and hard to bury anyone or anything.
Heartbroken they were about to leave, Lyam heard a voice. A clear, high pitched voice like a woman’s whispering in his ear. He turned his head, looked around but there was no one and the words he heard weren’t something he could understand. He felt like he was in a hurry, he’d need to leave. Go somewhere, but he had no clue where. Something was pulling him away. He was just being homesick, or that was what he thought at the moment about it as the idea of returning his birth home passed his mind again. He slowed his horse down, as just to make sure he wouldn’t leave. He couldn’t do that to the only family he had had for years.
“Did you hear that?”, Lyam asked Verrill as they rode side by side and Verrill turned to his way shaking his head for a no.
“You need some sleep”, Verrill said sounding absent-minded. It all weighed him down, and Lyam could see that. The young man still stayed silent, Verrill would need some time to get his head around everything that had happened and would talk if he’d want to do so.
As they returned the city Lyam could feel eyes on his back, but couldn’t figure out who could be watching him. There wasn’t anyone there for miles away, except him, Verrill in his own thoughts and the few town guards. He still couldn’t shake the feeling there was someone there.