What's going on?

Whoo! Back to school!

The feeling I’m experiencing is unbelievable, that is the only way to describe it. I got the acceptance letter from collage and going back to school this fall!

I was already making plans for what to do if I wouldn’t get into anywhere, as I was sure that’d be the situation. I didn’t have too high hopes, and was prepared to be working for at least a year before going back to my studies and I was fine with it. But now it seems I’m going to get to do something I love: teaching! It is just unbelievable.

Yet I haven’t really talked about it, not counting my family, as I was afraid of it being a mistake. Only few days earlier there were news about another Finnish collage that had accidentally sent acceptance letters to seventy students who didn’t get in and was apologizing for the mistake. But now I’m starting to get sure about it being real.

 

Tomorrow my mother is coming to my place and we are going to celebrate this with her, my sister and my boyfriend. Yet I’m still sad in a way.

 

As thinking I’d spend the next year only working locally and with my hobbies, so me and my mother started to plan on getting a dog together. We had looked for a young, female rescue-dog that would have been in contact with cats, and found a few that we were interested. We wrote an email about one, that was how sure I was to be left without a place to study. The dog had many people being interested in her, so that doesn’t seem to be likely to work out, but I still feel the dog fever burning.

What's going on?

Untitled story, part 18

Far from them, hundreds of miles away, years back in time. Those memories still lived on in Lyam’s mind. That night after visiting his old home, burned down on the ground, he sat down in his room in front of a small wooden table. He had been moved to the same inn, where Verrill and Denisa had been living for few days, as he had gotten better. They still didn’t know what had happened or why, maybe they never would, but that was something everyone just had to live with. The memories from the night of the attack were fuzzy to all of the survivors but something else had gotten clearer on the way. It wasn’t the same for all of them, but neither of them could just shake it off.

 

Verrill lied in his bed, staring at the ceiling. It was quiet, some of the chatter down stairs leaked from between the floor boards, but it wasn’t something that would bother him. He had pulled his pillow foot or two lower so he could still have his boots on while laying down. His feet hung over from the bedside and he had tugged his arms under his head for additional support. And all he could think of was safety.

Even though no one saw it, he was mixed up due to what had happened. Every creak made his heart beat faster, and it wasn’t like him. He closed his eyes for a moment only to open them again. He couldn’t sleep. Actually he hadn’t slept after what had happened, only few hours here and there. No matter how much he wished he could return to their home, build it up again, he knew that he’d have to take his sister to somewhere safer. He felt cold all the time and sleep deprivation made him even more jumpy. He couldn’t stay there.

 

Lyam opened the bottle of ink that was set down on the table. The cork was stuck a bit, so he had to use more force to get it open and in the process he spilled some of the ink on a pile of paper, which the innkeeper had brought in his room. It didn’t matter. He grabbed the quill and dipped it in the ink that was left in the bottle. Then he let the tip touch the paper. At first he didn’t know what to write. How to start. And it left another stain on the paper, but after the dam opened the words poured like a stream on the paper.

 

Denisa walked back and forth in another room. She had a hairbrush on her hand and once in a while she stroke her locks few times. Then she reached for the door knob but pulled her hand back, turned around and fled to the other side of the room. Only to do it all over again.

“Get yourself together”, she told herself and looked into the mirror. She pulled her hair over her left shoulder and put down the brush. She braided her hair and faked a smile, even though it didn’t look like it normally did. She was too nervous, yet she had to do it. It might be now or never. So she would take her chances, as she had made up her mind.

Denisa straightened her skirt and walked to the door, opened it and stepped outside, on the hallway. She knew where to go and didn’t even think about it, just letting her feet do the work. As she stood outside the door, she took a long breath and knocked. It took a moment but then the door creaked open.

“Um… Hi”, she said trying not to stutter, “Hope I’m not bothering you.”

What's going on?

Moving day is near…

And I’m basically freaking out.

On Monday we’re supposed to go get the keys from town nearby with my sister as my boyfriend is working and then it’s the time to start bringing stuff in. Yesterday I backed already most of my things I don’t really need before that, and my room was, and still is kinda, in worst condition it has ever probably been. The chaos is real, and I can’t say that I’d be the most tidy, strict person. I’m loose, relaxed and messy myself. Maybe it’s due to being artistic in a way. Or maybe I have gotten it from my mother, who is a hurricane to say the least.

My cat, Oliver, was freaking out for a moment. He didn’t know where he could go but ended up sleeping on his pillow, on my bed where I had put it. I just know that I can’t move him in straight away, I first need to make things tidy enough in our new home for him to move in. Even though he is fast at getting used to new places, it would be too stressing.

I also figured out I haven’t told that many people that I’m moving. Or that I have gotten a job. Should do that.. Seriously.

What's going on?

Work, work and work

So I got a job last Tuesday, and that is why my writing has slowed down a LOT.

Even though my days may have not been as long as they could, I have been just exhausted when I have gotten home and basically just went to sleep. The job is interesting and I’m loving it, but I don’t really have as much free time as I’m used to and it is very physical, which I’m not used to either. But maybe I’ll find the energy to do something else as time passes. I still try to write as I can and maybe a bit more so I can publish posts on the days I can’t really sit down and write.

Only thing that really annoys me is that I feel a flu coming, my throat is sore and that may be why I feel even more tired and I really don’t have time to be sick with the work and moving away from home, and I’d love to spend more time with my boyfriend. Other wise everything’s good. Life is moving forward. At last!

What's going on?

Sooo much stress! 

At least here everything seems to pile up to these weeks of spring. Hobbies are ending for the summer which means there is a lot to do. Exams are scheduled near eachother and all should be wrapped up for summer. 

And always there is something that was forgotten and needs to be dealt with as soon as possible. I know I’m not the best in these sort of things. I procrastinate as much as possible and by doing that add to the stress I already have. Now I should also wait for the results of the exams I have taken which is stressful enough. 

Tomorrow me and my boyfriend are headed to see another appartment near by. It isn’t located as great as the other one but we haven’t heard anything from that yet. Most likely we didn’t get it so we really have to look for something else. 

My family life is full of drama at the moment as my mother is not in good terms with my uncle but I’m doing my best to keep my nose out of it. 

But now I should get my butt off of this chair and get going. Too much to do, and not the easiest things for me atleast. 

What's going on?

Ooh! A book!

I have started reading a new book, which I bought on Monday, and I am super excited about it!

It’s pretty new and just what I was looking for a month back. I couldn’t find anything like that then so I felt the need to get it straight away. I like reading, but at the moment I’m a bit too stressed to sit down and concentrate. So it will probably take me a while to read it through, but I’m not in any hurry so it doesn’t matter.

The book is about creative writing and has different kind of writing exercises I enjoy doing. Last time I did something like that was last year, when we were making our most recent play. It was fun, but I didn’t pursue it further for some reason. Now I have a whole book full of things like that! Can’t wait to finish my exams so I might have time to get into the book.

 

What else? Nothing really. I’m still feeling nauseous and a bit too hot even as it should be too cold in here. My father is trying to save by not keeping the house as warm as it used to be. Also my throat feels sore, so I’m not sure if I’m sick or not. And tomorrow I should head to my mothers to celebrate mothers’ day. The last exam is also on Friday, so I’d need to be able to go and do my best…

What's going on?

Scars and ink.

It didn’t hurt unlike people always say. Maybe some parts of it did, but not that much. I have been through a lot worse, so I guess that’s why. The two things were actually quite similar, they eased my mind, tamed the anxiety that had built it’s home in my heart and brain. This time it just lasted longer, perhaps for the rest of my life.
Quite sharply a year ago I walked into a local studio, took of my shoes and went to the back room. A man took a sheet of paper, pressed it on my arm and I then there was no stepping back. I got my first tattoo.

I had thought about getting some ink on my skin for ages and had a few ideas. My mother went even so far that she bought a gift card. Now it seems just mad! Me, a quiet  girl getting something that radical and long lasting. But that is what I did, and I’m happy that I did. The story behind it may not be the happiest, but it’s part of me. Important part.

It all started a long time ago, with something I am not that proud of. As a kid I was bullied for nine years at school and most of the time I was depressed. I was diagnosed with depression when my parents broke up, but when talking to my therapist it soon occurred that it had been going on for a long time off and on. I have also anxiety and panic attacks, which I have learned to live with on very young age.

I was a teen when I first used self inflicted pain to ease my pain and I kind of got hooked on it. It seemed like a simple way out, even though it changed nothing. It didn’t help, even if it felt that way. It just caused me to be more ashamed and feel the need to hide the scars from other people. Until finally I said no.

It wasn’t easy to get rid of it, but I managed to stop, for a while at least until collapsing again when things got harder. That happened for many times, as I just thought that it didn’t matter. I’d still have scars, so what about few more? That stopped when I got my tattoo.

My tattoo is a bird, spreading his wings to fly, and it is a seal. When I sat on the chair, I made a promise to myself to never do that again, no matter what life throws at me. I wouldn’t hurt myself, I’d rise back up again. And when I feel like it, I just look at my tattoo and remember it. It helps me to stay on the right track.